little boy lost

As I sit down to write this it's late in the evening. Everything always seems bleak when it's late and I'm tired. For some reason hope diminishes as the sun hides its face. Things seem darker, figuratively speaking, when darkness falls.

But still I can't seem to shake this feeling that started early this morning. Maybe the dark mood was because the sun chose not to grace us with its presence today. Maybe it was the irritating mist of a rain that never came but never left. I'm unsure.

Nonetheless, I felt my spirit sink low into the depths of me as I rounded the corner this morning. I don't know why this day was different, I mean, I've rounded this particular corner before many a time in the last several years. And while I felt a certain sadness on those days too, it's never been anything like this morning. This morning was different.

Oppression seems to seep into everything when you round this particular corner. Joy fades. Hope seems to flicker and die, like the match as it's hit by too much air.

I round the corner and take a deep breath.

The first thing you see is a parking lot. A sizable one, but not gigantic. Certainly not big enough for the purpose it should serve. And so the cars spill out of the parking lot and on to the street. They flow up and down both sides of the road. I slow the car and begin the search for a space big enough to squeeze into.

Further down the street. The cars are lined. I look at them as I pass, wondering who drives them. Some are battered and worn, old from overuse perhaps. Those are the ones you might expect to see in a place like this, I think to myself. But as quickly as I think it I'm reminded by the Mercedes and Lexus and other luxury cars that my stereotyping is truly unfair. I don't know their circumstances. I don't know exactly why they're here.

I only know that whatever the reason their car is parked here it is surely not on good terms. It's never a joyous occasion to be here.

I keep driving, this time up and down the side streets. Not a vacant spot in sight. It's surreal to me that this place is located smack in the middle of a residential neighborhood. The homesteads of a working class people. Up and down I go. I pass the second parking lot, which is still under construction. They just built a new facility, with more space and more seating.

They had outgrown their last building a long time ago.

I peer into the second parking lot, which is smaller in size than the first. I know I shouldn't even bother to look in there; there's never a free space in there.

Rounding the third side street I find a spot and quickly parallel park the car. I grab my umbrella, lock the car and start walking. I pass a few occupied cars and breathe in the smell of cigarettes. I'd probably smoke too, if I were waiting for someone inside there, I think to myself.

Once inside I quickly retract my umbrella, placing it and my briefcase on the conveyor belt. Dump my keys and my phone in the plastic container and walk with purpose through the metal detector. It doesn't go off. I grab my things and start the long walk down the hallway. The hallway is probably the size of a football field.

On the left side of the hallway is a wall of windows, with rows and rows of seats, almost all of which are filled each time I visit here. Today is no exception. The windows let in a glorious sort of light, even on this dismal day. It's an absolutely beautiful light on a sunny day. As I pass quickly by the rows of people I try to look unimpressed, unshaken. I feel like I'm being sized up by each person. As I try to guess their purpose for being in this building I'm sure they're trying to guess mine.

On the right side of the hallway are doors. Big, heavy doors. With tiny windows.

I've never taken the time to peer into the tiny windows. I've never even had the faintest desire to.

The last door at the end of the hallway is my destination. I walk in, then walk a few steps down another hallway. I grab what I came for, then quickly double back my steps, through the door, down the long hall with the windows, then finally through a set of double doors and into the damp air again.

I always try to go as fast as I can when I'm in that building. The pain is too much to bear.

Last year there were over 2,600 cases in the juvenile department in our county. 1,638 of those were listed under the title "juvenile offender". 992 of those cases were listed under "child in need of care". I'm sure you all know what a juvenile offender case would pertain to. The child in need of care cases are where there are circumstances in the child's home that were shown to be detrimental to the child's welfare.

2,638 cases in 2007. That's 220 new cases each month.

I'm thankful that I don't have to go into this building a lot. I'm thankful that I don't have to sit and listen to the cases, the stories, the people involved. It's always difficult. At times it's been emotionally scarring. Hearing the stories of "kids gone bad". Hearing the stories of abuse, neglect, hunger, pain, molestation. Knowing that these little lives are so broken. And that these little children grow up to be adults, still broken, still marred by their past. People who walk among us. People who we pass in the market. People who are in line behind us at the bank. People who serve us our meals at restaurants.

I wonder if they know about a person who would fix them. I want so badly to tell them of the person who fixed me. Hope springs eternal with this healer. In fact, I'm pretty sure hope sprung eternal from his woundings. His abuse. His neglect. His hunger. His pain. His name is Jesus. And he's the only person I know of that can fix the problem of our overcrowded, overbooked juvenile system.

Luke 23:28 -- Jesus turned and said to them, "Daughters of Jerusalem, do not weep for me; weep for yourselves and for your children."

So tonight I weep.

"Develop a passion for learning. If you do, you will never cease to grow."

-- Anthony J. D'Angelo.

So, it's been a little over a month since my last blog. Many reasons for this to have happened, although I won't bore you with listing them.

The above quote really sums up where I'm at right now. I feel like I'm being stretched and molded of late, and I must say it brings so much joy to say that. Just as the season we're in, it's a growing period for me as well.

Some of the things that I've been pondering:

~ Proverbs 29:11 "A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back."

~ Luke 10:19 "Look, I have given you authority over all the power of the enemy, and you can walk among snakes and scorpions and crush them. Nothing will injure you."

~ God's glory is found in all things. All things. ALL things. He has the last word. Our circumstances do not throw Him for a loop. He's seen the end of our dilemmas. And at the end of said circumstances and dilemmas I know without a doubt that we will look back and see His glory in those things.

~ Habukkuk 3:17 - 20 "Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vines; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; even though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty, yet I will rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation! The Sovereign Lord is my strength! He makes me as surefooted as a deer, able to tread upon the heights."

~ While sitting in a church service last weekend the Lord stirred my heart and this is the prayer I wrote: Lord, make me the kind of person that when I touch other people they will FEEL Christ, when others look into my eyes they will SEE Christ, and when I speak to others may they HEAR Christ.

~ There have been a couple of worship songs that the Lord has really pressed upon my heart. I find myself humming them throughout the day, or I wake up singing the words, or as I do things around the house I'm singing them in my head. The first one is called "Can't Get Away" by Rush of Fools. The other is "Yes you have" by Leeland.

Yes You Have

Every tree and every stone
Every rushing wind that moans
They sing Your praise
My God, they sing Your praise

Every star and open sky
Tell of Your glory divine
They shout Your praise
They shout Your praise, yeah


You've stolen my heart
Yes, You have!
You've stolen my heart
Yes, You have!
You've wiped away the stains
And broke away the chains
Yes, You have!!

With Your love You set me free
Three nails gave me liberty
So I'll sing Your praise
My God, I'll sing Your praise
Oh, with Your love You forgave my sin
Forgot my past and brought me back again
So I'll sing Your praise
I'll sing Your praise, yeah

If I ascend into the sky
Or hide behind the night
I can not run
Your love is chasing me
If I fall into the sea
Your hand will rescue me
No one will take Your place
Because

This is all for You
Yes, this is all for You
You're the King of the world
You're the King of the world

"Man's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions." ~Oliver Wendell Holmes

I QUIT!!! I QUIT!!! I QUIT!!!

So, I quit my job today. Okay, maybe not in reality -- but in my head I totally did. :(

More on why I feel this way in a couple of days.

"Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it."

I'm not a J.K. Rowling fan, and I confess I've never read any of her books, but this quote seemed fitting for the mood I find myself in today.

It's been a couple of weeks in the making. If you're any kind of cook you'll know that the longer a soup sits and is allowed to simmer, the better it ends up tasting. I believe the correct term is that you want your ingredients to "marry". I guess God wanted me to really taste the flavors He's been cooking up for me. He's been adding a pinch of this and a touch of that; conversations, circumstances, etc. to the pot and slowly stirring.

Earlier today I sat in our church service listening to a sermon that I'm convinced the pastor spoke just for my ears to hear. It seemed to be the dollop that topped the whole thing off.

God is an excellent cook.

Our sermon this morning was about giving. And our attitude when we give. And lately, mine has been more than sour. He spoke of how we can't live our life holding back what we're supposed to be giving all because we feel like we're not being given to in return.

For many listening to him this sermon might have been about money. But that's not what I heard. I heard how I've been selfish in many of my relationships lately. And that's not me. Not that I'm trying to be a braggart or anything.

Lately I've been holding on to things I know I should be giving away, and I've become fearful. And fear makes you hold on to anything and everything, doesn't it? I'm fearful that if I give you all that I have that you won't give all that you have to me in return. I want and need these friendships so badly that I'm fearful to allow myself to get too close to you. Because you might hurt me. It wasn't until I had that exact conversation with someone that I realized how dumb that really sounds. The expression, "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have had loved at all." came to mind.

And along with being fearful I've become a counter. I've been counting the cost of giving. I've been counting what others have been giving me. And in the process, I've allowed myself to become numb. I don't want to be hurt, so I numb the potential hurt. And in that process I've hurt others.

I'm sorry if you were one of them.

The moment of clarity hit with these words -- "What did you give to Christ before he gave his LIFE for you?"

Hmm. What did I give Christ before he died for me?

Not a thing.

But he gave his life anyway.

That's the kind of giving we're called to be doing. Every day. He gave his life for me and wasn't EVER concerned with what I would give him in return. So why the heck am I doing that? Why am I looking to the relationships in my life as if we were on the playground exchanging our toys? "I'll give you my BEST pencil if you give me your. . . "

I've come to the conclusion that I haven't been myself. I've heard this from three people in my life in the last month. "Jamie, you're not acting right." "Jamie, what's wrong with you? You're just not the same." "Jamie, what's going on? You're so preoccupied."

Well girls, there's the truth. I've been selfish. I was in that horrible place of insecurity yet again. I was waiting to see which of your best pencils you would give to me before I anteed up my own.

And I realize how wrong I've been. I want to be the kind of person who gives you all I have. I want to be the friend who really would give my life for yours. And I can't be that person if I'm trying to hang on to any shred of pride or selfishness.

My Jesus didn't hang on to his pride or his selfishness. And he could have. But he didn't. And because he didn't I'm assured a life that will never end. A life that will never hold sorrow. A life of never-ending worship. All because he's my friend. He gave me his best pencil, then turned and walked away. He didn't even want to see what I had in my hand behind my back.

So, I will try my best to reset my focus. To be the kind of friend that gives without condition. That gives without fear. That gives without limits. Because my Jesus did it first.

what'd i ever do to you?

I met with my personal trainer this morning. We exchanged pleasantries,

. . . and then she tried to kill me.

and now for a random theological question. . .

When you pray, who do you pray to? What I mean is, are your prayers to God or to Jesus? When you bow your head to pray, who do you address said prayer to? In your mind's eye, who are you looking at? And why do you pray that way?

Let me know by posting a comment. I'm interested to hear your answers. And if you should feel so compelled, would you explain your answer to me?

I'm well aware I've only got about three consistent readers, but I value your input 1, 2 and 3!!

whatchu been doin'?

Well, the holidays are officially behind us. Whew. I'm glad to be diving headlong into a new year, but my heart sank a little as we were taking down all signs of Christmas tonight at our home.


I'm excited about 2008 and all it promises to hold; my tummy gets that jittery feeling like waiting for a first date to show up on your front stoop. I have big plans for you, 2008, so hold on.

So I finally dumped the contents of both the cameras onto the computer and realized how jam-packed the last month or so really has been.

And so for your viewing pleasure I bring you a plethora of pics.



Payge's birthday party, November 17. Our theme this year was "Battle of the Bands". Her girlfriends showed up dressed like rock stars. They went "backstage" for makeup, wardrobe & hairstyling. The big finale was to have each "band" perform for their parents and one another. It was a great time!




Opening gifts:





Thanksgiving was next. We travelled back "home" to Kansas City and were able to spend some good time with family. Here's a sampling:





Cousin Nick, Cousin Brad, Brother-in-law Ben, Cousin Katie









Uncle Randall and Aunt Lisa








Us ladies, left to right: My sister Jessy, my sister Jenny, Aunt Sherie, Me, Grandma Helen, my "sister" Lynn.



I also got to see my "long lost" best friend from high school, Vallorie. It had been NINE years since we'd last laid eyes on one another! We managed to squeeze in a couple of hours for one another. Sorry it's such a horrible picture of us, Val!!!








Payge started playing the viola this school year, and had her first concert on December 18th. It was at 10:30 in the morning, so Paul wasn't able to see it. That's also why I couldn't manage to take a picture of her during the performance, because I was too busy recording it for Paul to see later. But nonetheless, here's Payge with her viola:










December 23rd my step-sister Stacy and her husband Kevin baptized their new son, Gage and then treated everyone to a delicious lunch at Old Chicago. Here's a picture of them:












Christmas was a bit different for us this year. It was the first year that we stayed here instead of spending some time in Kansas City. It was nice, relaxing, but we sure did miss everyone!



Oh Christmas Tree!








The girls on Christmas morning:














Before Christmas arrived (and baby Ruby!) some of us girls got together for what we like to call "Girls Day Out". This time it was to celebrate our friend Maria, who as you can tell, was great with child. We tried our culinary skills at Super Suppers, drank our favorite concoctions from Starbucks, and then laughed and laughed and laughed over lunch. Here we all are, pretending to be Rachel Ray:








L to R: Lacy, Maria, Me, Rachel, Stephanie

Steph, Rach, Maria with the "must-have"

Lacy and that dang meat!!!! (Lacy: I bet you thought I'd forgotten?)

The next big event was the birth of the much awaited Marshall #4, who turned out to be none other than Ms. Ruby Grace Marshall. She was born December 28th and weighed in at a tinsy 6 lbs, 4.5 oz.

After all this excitement, New Year's Eve seemed to come up on us fast. We decided to stick to our "regular" plans for NYE, which are to stay at home and party hard with our dearest friends. (Who could possibly find a sitter on a night like that? And even if we could, what in the world would we do with ourselves?) This year's theme was "Around the World". Everyone brought their favorite ethnic dish to share. We all sat around and gorged ourselves, then played a rambunctious game of Apples to Apples. We rang in the new year with some sparkling cider and toasted to all our friends.

James and Stephanie

Wendy and Jeremy

Kenton and Lacy

Paul and I have to resort to taking self-portraits because apparently our friends no longer own cameras. (Or they don't care to have pictures of us?!)

Okay, so there you go. Believe me, there were a lot more pics I could have put up here, but I'm sure by now you're bored of them. And even if you're not, I've been uploading pictures for the last hour and have tired of the process! (Especially after accidentally deleting one - ugggghhh!)